Emptiness

You know the feeling of emptiness?

You're laughing your heart out but deep within you you know that you're in deep emptiness.

No matter how you smile, no matter how much you try to be okay but then again it all wasted.

It's like there's no more room to fix yourself and no more time to heal your wounds and no one's there to listen and no one's there to stay and you're being left alone to face your pain and miseries.

No one can see your pain and monsters and fears and troubles and hatred.

It's like you're not belong into this world. Life is an unfair battle. You cannot win without fighting and you cannot lose either without trying to fight. 

I feel so tired...hahaha(see I am laughing again)

I am kinda a laughing freak nowadays and my office mates starts to worry.

Little did they know that this is my last resort to hide every damage of my being. Well hello??? Am I not allowed to laugh and to smile on my own miseries? Hahaha!!!

It looks like I don't have a good morning at all. It is all the same anyway. Everyday of my everyday. 

 

P.S.

I wanna go home... But hey! I remember, WHERE IS MY HOME?

Fifty Shades of Grey: My short and simple movie review

Yey!
The feeling of fulfillment!

So it is high time to make this review after my sober state after watching the movie. So yeah, 5 days after the valentine's day I went out to see the movie. And I say, it is all worth the long wait. Why after 5 days? Because I don't want to be with so many people, I don't want to be inside the crowded cinema house so I waited that long enough to carry on.

I loved the movie. Giggling, ogling, laughing and name it, it's all in one package.Yeah, I did all that alone in my seat while sipping my iced-coffee. Hahaha!!! I can't help it, Christian Grey is so hot! Hahaha!

I felt like I am a teen-year old having a great crush again. That's what Mr. Grey did to me. :)

 I did not expect that the movie will turned-out a little funny(well, it is so funny)!
It is not too heavy.

The acting was great and well-portrayed. They act so well and good.

And what I loved the most is that the story sticks based on the novel itself.

I am the kind of person who loves reading before watching so I must say that I am not being disappointed this time.

So, there.. Overall rating: Very Good! :)

P.S.
I still have a crush on Mr. Grey.  Hihi

The Perks of being an Assistant

The perks of being me as the Executive Assistant of the Company's President.

Having a great hard-time dealing with too much work. I am not quite sure if multi-tasking is good because my current situation is a big hell-of-a-pain-in-my-head.

I'm currently handling two job at a time. I'm his eye in the Production Department doing hellish work like reporting and etc.. and at the same time I am handling one of the payroll account in the Accounting Department.

I am not used on turning down the opportunity given to me because I know this is for my own good.

But sometimes having a lot of work to do is too much.

Fifty Shades of Grey: The Fuckin'-licious novel-to-movie story

(Excuse the Title up there... :) )  Writer's mind attack!

Well, just to freshen up your mind pervs and not-so-pervs and innocent-but-polluted-minds, Fifty Shades of Grey was written by the great E.L. James. This is the first book from the not-so-hot trilogy story of E.L. James.(hot is so understated, mine-blowing is the best!)

Check this link to yourself to know a little bit further about this
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifty_Shades_of_Grey

So for me being the addict reader of random novels, be it a soft or hard cover, pdf file or in wattpad, I am proud to say that I've already finished reading the trilogy via pdf file. So yeah, I have been through a lot of searching just to have a copy of this book way back then because as far as I can remember, there is no single copy being published here in the Philippines, so I just find my way through it with the help of the ever-helpful Internet and bingo- I've found the PDF file of it.

And now.... It is the February month and I've been living the hell-out-of-great-anticipation to this coming movie of the book itself. Yeah, they've gone through making it real. I've heard it will be out soon on February 14,2015 (of course not here in the Philippines but out there and I hope and pray that they will gonna get this movie and have it view here in the country because I know, a bunch of fans are waiting and dying to watch it big time)

Check the link to watch the trailer of the movie :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQERFnGvi_A


I love the sountracks in the movie, so sensual and so sexy and so steamy-licious all the same.

Crazy In Love
Written by Jay Z, Richard Christopher Harrison, Beyoncé Knowles and Eugene Record
Performed by Beyoncé Knowles (as Beyoncé)

Love Me Like You Do
Performed by Ellie Goulding

Earned it
Written by The Weeknd
Performed by The Weeknd

and Salted Wound by SIA 

Much awaited movie of the year. Ha-Ha!!!

Well, the story itself being published in a book-type-hot-and-steamy-genre is so GOOD!

I mean, it is great because it touched my imagination a lot and it made me cry a river, and it made me want to get a hot-billionaire boyfriend(where on earth will I going to find that kind of boyfriend, tell me.), it convinced me to believe that love can help you change for the better, to understand well, to sacrifice for the sake of your love ones, to care so much, to express yourself better and a lot more. 

The story is not what you think it is. It is not only a  kinky-sultry-full-of-sex-x-rated-scene story but it has a lot more of it. 

It's up to you to find out and I tell you, the story is great. 

Reminder: I recommend you to read the book first before seeing the movie. 

Love,

Kit x

P.S.
Please let me know what you think about the book and the trailer. :)
And please follow me on Instagram.@kitscliche (I will follow back promise!) :)
Add me as your friend on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/kit.tabutol.1

I will be very glad to have a new circle of friends. :)


P.P.S.
When will be the second movie?

The good thing though...

The good thing that silence and constantly talking to yourself is nothing but an empty shell of peace and freedom.

Peace from all your misery and I do believe that aside from the enemy outside you should beat yourself first before moving on. That way you can gain full control of yourself. Being not affected and influenced by the outer force, their beliefs and practices.

Freedom from all they hold against your integrity and moral values.

How I might suppose to tell them what had happened to my life and to myself?

How I might suppose to tell them that aside from my physical misery, I also have this emotional fight I have to win before it will completely consume the best of me.

How I might suppose to tell them that I am almost losing, but for the sake of the few who keeps on believing in what I can do I keep on fighting?

How I might suppose to tell them that fear is eating me up? The fear of everything that I might lost and lost further. I am so afraid that all of them will be gone and will never come back.

I have had enough of losing.

How I might suppose to tell them that what I am doing right now is my only way of avoiding hurt and pain? I fear a lot today.

I am creating things that really hurt me so bad  that when the time come of retaliation, just before He will take away someone away from me again, I will not get hurt so bad.

Why I am talking like this? Because it gives me therapy.

It helps me a little to relieve the pain inside. It is better this way than not talking at all because it gives me the chills and creepy feelings of being like a crazy bitch.

Papal Visit PH: Currently in Tacloban, tomorrow will be in Luneta

Currently, I am listening to my officemate's radio tuning to the ongoing mass celebration in Tacloban headed by the beloved Pope Francis.

I am kinda aware of everything starting from day one upon the arrival of the Pope until now.

The constant radio tuning of everybody or the t.v. marathon, all for the sake of the Papal visit.

I can feel the D O P E excitement of everybody.

Yesterday, I was a bit of a teary-eyed-overwhelmed-shocked-girl who watched how the sea of people waited patiently for the coming of the Pope and really I was so dumbstruck for the fact that I did not expect that there are a lot of believers out there and still faithful as ever.


It left me wondering: "How would it be like when God himself walks out of a plane or just simply descend on earth? Just imagine how crowded will it be. People shouting, crying, laughing and praying..."

It has put me in a sink hole and I couldn't help not to shed some tears, just out of no where it poured.

Maybe because of the fact that the Pope loves the people and how the people loves him so much.

Whatever the reasons, I am happy that people of the PH have been united again as one team.

REST DAY FOR THREE DAYS!

Yeah!
Believe it or not, we will going to have a 3 day rest day( NCR-National Capital Region, only) all because of the Papal Visit here in the Philippines.

I don't know if this is good for me because I have a lot of things to do and deadlines to finish with.

I don't want to be stagnant this time.

I want to do a lot of things because it helps a lot to let myself be preoccupied until I couldn't think of anything else other than working.

You know that feeling of getting used to something you're not used to before?

Like living your life everyday trying to avoid thinking of someone you used to be thinking every hour of your everyday?

That is how I feel everyday starting when the day we broke up.

Yeah, I think we did already, and it is kinda hard to let it sink deeper in my head.

Ahahaha!!!

Been trying real hard to let myself live normal.

I don't have a normal life since 16, tho.

I just couldn't take it when no one really understands me aside from me, myself and I.

But surely,though, there's somebody who can relate to my complicated story.

All alone big time! Even if I surround myself with my friends and relatives.

This is beyond sick!

(I'LL JUST KEEP IT TO MYSELF, hahaha)

Ilusyon

Kung hindi na kapaki-pakinabang, tapusin mo na.
Ang pagmamahal ay isang napakomplikadong ilusyon na humahalo sa emosyon.

Isipin mo ng mabuti, nagiging kompleto ka ba sa pagmamahal na sinasabi niya?

Nabubuo ba ang pakiramdam mo dahil sa pagmamahal niya?

O nasisira ka ba dahil pilit mong iwinawaksi na naghangad ka sa simula pa lang ng "mas" pa sa kaya niyang ibigay na hindi mo dapat hinangad. At dahil kulang ang kanyang naibibigay at hindi niya kayang punan ang kulang sa iyong buhay ay nagpakasira hindi sa paraan ng naiisip mo kindi sa paraan na alam ko.

"SHUT DOWN THE WORLD"

Hindi mo mahahanap ang hinahanap mo dahil ang hinahanap mo ay nasa harap mo na mismo.
Matagal kang naghintay sa kasagutang nasagot mo na.

Hinding-hindi ka na mabubuo dahil simula pa lang, wasak ka na.
Hindi ka na buo.
At kahit maghangad ka man ng maghangad sa sinumang bubuo saiyo, wala kang mapapala.

Tanggapin mo muna na walang-wala ka at unti-unti magiging maayos din ang lahat.
huwag kang maghangad ng anuman sa kapwa mo.

What do you do when you're frustrated about everything?

I asked JayVee last night, and he told me that he simply:
1. Sleep and then get over it after. Eventually, sleep will take it away.
2. Eat and eat.
3. Stay away and do not talk to anyone.


I think we're just the same, because what I did was, I ate "junk food", and then I slept and then stayed away from all of them.

I just couldn't understand why some people were so mad and so irresponsible regardless on what title they were carrying.

I just can't take it.

Almost there...

Dear Someone,
If you're out there please read this.
I am almost there...
I feel so alone and worried and lost and lonely...
All I am asking now is the courage to continue and maybe, just maybe, someone whom I can lean on. Or at least someone whom I can talk to.
I am already tired of talking to myself.
I'm having a real hard time again and I dunno want I should do to take away the pain and to not to think about it.

I wish there's someone out there for me...


:(

Labyrinth

Sometimes, I am afraid of my own self. I know I can do a lot of things. Small or big things. Remarkable or not.
 I've known way back then that I am stronger than I look. Since then, I became afraid of myself because I am capable of a lot of things.

Afraid that in my state, I can hurt people that I love the most because I can bear things more than that a normal person can bear.

• Sometimes, knowing that I am strong and capable, I am afraid that in the future, I will be on my own.

• Sometimes I am afraid that I can't interpret my own mode of thinking, the way I accept things as they are, the way I easily move on and the way I forgot things that are not worth remembering.
• 
  

My own self destruction is my own sole problem.

Cousin and I--- Twofie

If there is a version of single picture(which is the SELFIE), well, we also have our own version. And we call it "TWOFIE"

Me and my favorite cousin.

Our collage picture below was taken on August 10, 2014 inside their house. So there.

A very good bonding moment.

I couldn't go wrong

Time flies stupidly and furiously fast and all I could do is to stare the nothingness and proceed with my life.
I've been stuck in here. In this place where I cannot go out because I am stuck. I want to be successful and I am waiting and praying for the right time. The right time to spread my wings widely and freely.

I don't wanna be a failure and I don't wanna go back in my past.

As much as possible I wanna remain here and to look forward to my future.
 I will keep on waiting. Waiting for everything.

I will make myself feel happy about everything.

Naalala ko lang ng tanungin nya ako kung "heto na ba ang gusto ko sa buhay?" "kung heto na ba ang pangarap ko talaga sa buhay?"

I knew that he knew just by the sight of me na "hindi" and sagot ko.
I love doing the things I love to do.

Of course hindi pa ito ang gusto ko sa buhay ko.
Gusto kong marating at makamit ang mga pangarap ko.

For now, maghihintay muna ako at magtitiis. Patatapusin ko lang ang kapatid ko sa pag-aaral and then I will fly away. I will gonna start making my name. I will gonna start building my dreams.

Mahirap ang mag-isa, pero God knows everything.

People change constantly. Lahat nagbabago.
Komplikado ang buhay.
Hindi lahat ng gusto mo nakukuha mo sa isang iglap.
Hindi lahat ng taong maayos at maganda ang pinapakita sayo sa una, ay ganoon pa rin sila sa iyo habang buhay.
Not unless kung tunay mo silang kaibigan
Pero maging kaibigan, katuwang sa buhay, bestfriend, boyfriend, kapatid, magulang, atbp.lahat....lahat lahat nagbabago yan.
Mararamdaman mo yang paunti-unting pagbabago. Na sa simula ay 'feeling heaven' pa, pero pag nagtagal, wala na. The spark is slowly fading away.
At yun ang kinakatakutan ko.
That is why I don't usually gain many friends, I don't usually talk many things about me, I don't usually involve myself in to people around me because I am afraid sa katotohanan.
Hindi ko kasi matake yung katotohanan na ganito...
"Di ba nagsimula naman lahat sa una na masaya, maligaya,maayos at alam mo yun fruitful and awesome, and then people tend to get used to the idea and to the companionship and then boom!!! Lahat nagbago na. Yung dating masaya, naging normal na, yung dating epic naging normal na, yung naging sweet naging mapait na, yung dating punong-puno ng pagmamahalan, bigla na lang nawala,natigil..."

Hindi ko yun maintindihan.
Hanggang ngayon!!!!

Hindi ba pwedeng magbago ka para sa ikakaganda ng lahat? Yun bang you change for the better pero yung pagkatao mong maganda, yung samahan, yung ugali mong maganda ay hindi magbago.

Pakiramdam ko, yung relasyong ganoon, it only exist sa Friendship thing.
Haayyyy!!!! Kagulo. Kalungkot.
Morbid masyado.

 I DO NOT HATE CHANGES, I JUST DON'T GET IT WHY PEOPLE CHANGE FOR THE BETTER BUT THINGS TURNED OUT THE WORST.

Dear Diary Friend,

It's the 5th day of this month and it's my mother's birthday today.
She's already 50 years old and I really hope that she is celebrating her birthday up there.
Been almost 5 years since she passed away, but again, memories of her will always remain in my heart.
I always miss her. And I am so thankful that I learned to get used to the pain inside.
And I am so thankful that for the 16years of my life, I had given the chance to feel the love of my mother and that how great it is having the best mother in the whole world. Yes, I may not had the chance to be with her as for today, but again like what I've said, I am still thankful to God for giving me the chance to have a mother and to feel her love for the 16 years of my life and I knew that love will remain even for the test of time. Even death cannot take it away from me. Because I believe that love, no matter how far away you are from your loveones, and even death took them away from you, still, your love for them will be there.
That's one of the greatest part and definition of love for me. "YOU CAN STILL LOVE SOMEONE EVEN IF THEY WERE GONE."

I've been through a lot and I became a lot of person for myself. I aim to succeed in my life and my mother is my greatest inspiration. I love to please my mother. And I am doing my best to please her, because I knew, she wants the best for me and for my brother.

To be honest, I don't actually know what should I feel this time, because again i feel so neutral. Part of me is happy, part of me is sad, part of me feels alone, and part of me feels whole.

I love you nanay and I hope you're celebrating there and I hope you're happy.

I will try my best to be good and contented here.

Thank you for pushing me through the test of time, for the prayers you uttered there, for the memories you shared with us when you're still alive, for wiping my tears when I cry, for letting me have the full strength to continue living and for teaching me how to live like what I should be.

x

February 22, 2014

Dear My Diary,

I would like you to know that I am so thankful that I m still alive today. And I was just stunned for the fact that when I was at the brink of my madness-self-destruction-through-terrified-thinking, there was this someone who helped me ease the awful feeling that I carried for the last week.

He is actually my not-so-biological brother, but he is still my so great brother who knows me better just like my best friend.

I so happened to missed him last night because he called right after I punch the send button of my cellphone to deliver the message of mine,poetry in form, 'cause I know, poetry is my only way of telling what is on my mind and in my heart.


And that, for almost this month of February, I feel so awful you know, feeling awful for the fact that I've been into a situation that I felt that I am just a good for nothing, taken for granted and ignored.
(Gosh! for the last time, I wanna say this one, "I-DON'T-WANNA-FEEL-THAT-WAY-AGAIN-NOT-THIS-TIME-AND-NEVER-WILL-BE-IN-THE-FUTURE!!!!")

But now, thank goodness! i feel so light-headed and that I am actually in the state of OK-ness!

THANKS TO MY RELIABLE AND WORTHY 3 OF A KIND SET OF FRIENDS!


Lots of love for myself,
Miss M.

Suddenly...

Dear Diary,

Suddenly I am hit. I got a super high fever last night and I don't know why. 

Sabi nila, over fatigue na hindi ko pinapansing napapagod na ako pero sige pa rin ng sige.

Natutuwa lang ako kay inay at ate kasi andiyan sila. There's always a first time. And kagabi after so long years of being alone on my own taking good care of myself and my health, naranasan ko ulit yung may nag-alaga saken, at nagpakita ng suportang walang katumbas. Though, ayaw ko talaga na may makakitang may sakit ako.

Sabi nila kagabi sa akin habang nakahigh ako sa sobrang taas ng lagnat ko... "Kala ko ba hindi tinatamaan ng sakit ang alien?" Nangyare? LOL!

Anyways... I'll always be thankful.

I'll be okay.

Love,

Miss M

The Before and After

Picture from left to right. First picture was taken when I was in my fourth year in college 2013. The second was taken this month of January 2014. 3rd picture was taken when I was in my fourth year in college wandering and visiting the Pinsal Falls in Sta. Maria Ilocos Sur. And the 4th picture was me again,taken last August 2013.

I kinda look so weird. Hahaha

Well, I'm gonna talk about my hair, as you can see in my January 2014, I have a long long hair.

I really did change a bit. But I know, I really changed a lot. I am a grown woman, I am feeding myself.
I am loving everything that is worth loving.
I am working too hard to reach my dreams.

If my most awaited opportunity will ring my door, I will surely grab it.
No matter how hard it is, no matter how huge and no matter how far it is, I will do my best to have it.

For the 9 months and 20 days of staying here in Manila, I can say that I am already a city girl. And I learned a lot of thing while working for about 9 months and 16 days and counting.

I am employed. One time shot. Regularized upon I started working. And I am enjoying the painful responsibility of sending my only brother into college. It is really hard but again, what kind of hardship that I cannot pass?

And I think, the sad part of it, I will do the fighting alone again.
But I really have this one guy who is so loving and inspiring me a lot.
So, really, I can manage my life.

:)

hindi pa ako nakakapag-ipon ng madami.palagi na lang sapat.

time will come anyway... :)

Thoughts to ponder. Pictures to look at.

The Idealism

I've been through a lot of topsy-turby moments this past week.

But anyway, I am so thankful that I am still alive.

Counting for more few days and it is Christmas time.

And my idea of a perfect Christmas is to spend my time to the people whom I love the most.

I am not actually celebrating my birthday, Christmas time, or even New Year, but the thing is, this year, people celebrated my birthday and that I've been force to celebrate it too. Well anyway, I am thankful though.

I really appreciate all the efforts.

And now, I am planning to be with my sister Ro for Christmas. Yes, I'll be with her family. 

This is much better I think, than to be alone in my bed while everyone is celebrating.

What I wish for this Christmas is for ate RC. I wish that she will be well the soonest possible. 

Apart from this wish, well, thanks God for always in my side. Because as for this time, I am actually having the copy of Narnia book series and the The Lord of the Rings book series.

This will be my earliest gift to myself aside from the gift of our nanay-nanayan(mother-like).

Well, time is indeed running so fact and I am hoping for the best to happen.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAVE A PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR TO ALL! 

:)

How far can we reach...

We travel in very swift and light foot.

My sister and I.

Well, she is not actually my biological sister, but she's my sister in so many reasons.

That is why I love her as my blood-sister.

We have gone this far. 

And so far, so good. We are fated just so good.

In our 8 months working in the office, we've shared a lot of things. Pros and cons. We have already wandered in so many parts of the city. 

And yes, we have this fondness on having a clean toes and nails.

We've gone this far. And yes, we will surely go farther.