What do you do when you're frustrated about everything?

I asked JayVee last night, and he told me that he simply:
1. Sleep and then get over it after. Eventually, sleep will take it away.
2. Eat and eat.
3. Stay away and do not talk to anyone.


I think we're just the same, because what I did was, I ate "junk food", and then I slept and then stayed away from all of them.

I just couldn't understand why some people were so mad and so irresponsible regardless on what title they were carrying.

I just can't take it.

Almost there...

Dear Someone,
If you're out there please read this.
I am almost there...
I feel so alone and worried and lost and lonely...
All I am asking now is the courage to continue and maybe, just maybe, someone whom I can lean on. Or at least someone whom I can talk to.
I am already tired of talking to myself.
I'm having a real hard time again and I dunno want I should do to take away the pain and to not to think about it.

I wish there's someone out there for me...


:(

Labyrinth

Sometimes, I am afraid of my own self. I know I can do a lot of things. Small or big things. Remarkable or not.
 I've known way back then that I am stronger than I look. Since then, I became afraid of myself because I am capable of a lot of things.

Afraid that in my state, I can hurt people that I love the most because I can bear things more than that a normal person can bear.

• Sometimes, knowing that I am strong and capable, I am afraid that in the future, I will be on my own.

• Sometimes I am afraid that I can't interpret my own mode of thinking, the way I accept things as they are, the way I easily move on and the way I forgot things that are not worth remembering.
• 
  

My own self destruction is my own sole problem.

Cousin and I--- Twofie

If there is a version of single picture(which is the SELFIE), well, we also have our own version. And we call it "TWOFIE"

Me and my favorite cousin.

Our collage picture below was taken on August 10, 2014 inside their house. So there.

A very good bonding moment.

I couldn't go wrong

Time flies stupidly and furiously fast and all I could do is to stare the nothingness and proceed with my life.
I've been stuck in here. In this place where I cannot go out because I am stuck. I want to be successful and I am waiting and praying for the right time. The right time to spread my wings widely and freely.

I don't wanna be a failure and I don't wanna go back in my past.

As much as possible I wanna remain here and to look forward to my future.
 I will keep on waiting. Waiting for everything.

I will make myself feel happy about everything.

Naalala ko lang ng tanungin nya ako kung "heto na ba ang gusto ko sa buhay?" "kung heto na ba ang pangarap ko talaga sa buhay?"

I knew that he knew just by the sight of me na "hindi" and sagot ko.
I love doing the things I love to do.

Of course hindi pa ito ang gusto ko sa buhay ko.
Gusto kong marating at makamit ang mga pangarap ko.

For now, maghihintay muna ako at magtitiis. Patatapusin ko lang ang kapatid ko sa pag-aaral and then I will fly away. I will gonna start making my name. I will gonna start building my dreams.

Mahirap ang mag-isa, pero God knows everything.

People change constantly. Lahat nagbabago.
Komplikado ang buhay.
Hindi lahat ng gusto mo nakukuha mo sa isang iglap.
Hindi lahat ng taong maayos at maganda ang pinapakita sayo sa una, ay ganoon pa rin sila sa iyo habang buhay.
Not unless kung tunay mo silang kaibigan
Pero maging kaibigan, katuwang sa buhay, bestfriend, boyfriend, kapatid, magulang, atbp.lahat....lahat lahat nagbabago yan.
Mararamdaman mo yang paunti-unting pagbabago. Na sa simula ay 'feeling heaven' pa, pero pag nagtagal, wala na. The spark is slowly fading away.
At yun ang kinakatakutan ko.
That is why I don't usually gain many friends, I don't usually talk many things about me, I don't usually involve myself in to people around me because I am afraid sa katotohanan.
Hindi ko kasi matake yung katotohanan na ganito...
"Di ba nagsimula naman lahat sa una na masaya, maligaya,maayos at alam mo yun fruitful and awesome, and then people tend to get used to the idea and to the companionship and then boom!!! Lahat nagbago na. Yung dating masaya, naging normal na, yung dating epic naging normal na, yung naging sweet naging mapait na, yung dating punong-puno ng pagmamahalan, bigla na lang nawala,natigil..."

Hindi ko yun maintindihan.
Hanggang ngayon!!!!

Hindi ba pwedeng magbago ka para sa ikakaganda ng lahat? Yun bang you change for the better pero yung pagkatao mong maganda, yung samahan, yung ugali mong maganda ay hindi magbago.

Pakiramdam ko, yung relasyong ganoon, it only exist sa Friendship thing.
Haayyyy!!!! Kagulo. Kalungkot.
Morbid masyado.

 I DO NOT HATE CHANGES, I JUST DON'T GET IT WHY PEOPLE CHANGE FOR THE BETTER BUT THINGS TURNED OUT THE WORST.

Dear Diary Friend,

It's the 5th day of this month and it's my mother's birthday today.
She's already 50 years old and I really hope that she is celebrating her birthday up there.
Been almost 5 years since she passed away, but again, memories of her will always remain in my heart.
I always miss her. And I am so thankful that I learned to get used to the pain inside.
And I am so thankful that for the 16years of my life, I had given the chance to feel the love of my mother and that how great it is having the best mother in the whole world. Yes, I may not had the chance to be with her as for today, but again like what I've said, I am still thankful to God for giving me the chance to have a mother and to feel her love for the 16 years of my life and I knew that love will remain even for the test of time. Even death cannot take it away from me. Because I believe that love, no matter how far away you are from your loveones, and even death took them away from you, still, your love for them will be there.
That's one of the greatest part and definition of love for me. "YOU CAN STILL LOVE SOMEONE EVEN IF THEY WERE GONE."

I've been through a lot and I became a lot of person for myself. I aim to succeed in my life and my mother is my greatest inspiration. I love to please my mother. And I am doing my best to please her, because I knew, she wants the best for me and for my brother.

To be honest, I don't actually know what should I feel this time, because again i feel so neutral. Part of me is happy, part of me is sad, part of me feels alone, and part of me feels whole.

I love you nanay and I hope you're celebrating there and I hope you're happy.

I will try my best to be good and contented here.

Thank you for pushing me through the test of time, for the prayers you uttered there, for the memories you shared with us when you're still alive, for wiping my tears when I cry, for letting me have the full strength to continue living and for teaching me how to live like what I should be.

x

February 22, 2014

Dear My Diary,

I would like you to know that I am so thankful that I m still alive today. And I was just stunned for the fact that when I was at the brink of my madness-self-destruction-through-terrified-thinking, there was this someone who helped me ease the awful feeling that I carried for the last week.

He is actually my not-so-biological brother, but he is still my so great brother who knows me better just like my best friend.

I so happened to missed him last night because he called right after I punch the send button of my cellphone to deliver the message of mine,poetry in form, 'cause I know, poetry is my only way of telling what is on my mind and in my heart.


And that, for almost this month of February, I feel so awful you know, feeling awful for the fact that I've been into a situation that I felt that I am just a good for nothing, taken for granted and ignored.
(Gosh! for the last time, I wanna say this one, "I-DON'T-WANNA-FEEL-THAT-WAY-AGAIN-NOT-THIS-TIME-AND-NEVER-WILL-BE-IN-THE-FUTURE!!!!")

But now, thank goodness! i feel so light-headed and that I am actually in the state of OK-ness!

THANKS TO MY RELIABLE AND WORTHY 3 OF A KIND SET OF FRIENDS!


Lots of love for myself,
Miss M.

Suddenly...

Dear Diary,

Suddenly I am hit. I got a super high fever last night and I don't know why. 

Sabi nila, over fatigue na hindi ko pinapansing napapagod na ako pero sige pa rin ng sige.

Natutuwa lang ako kay inay at ate kasi andiyan sila. There's always a first time. And kagabi after so long years of being alone on my own taking good care of myself and my health, naranasan ko ulit yung may nag-alaga saken, at nagpakita ng suportang walang katumbas. Though, ayaw ko talaga na may makakitang may sakit ako.

Sabi nila kagabi sa akin habang nakahigh ako sa sobrang taas ng lagnat ko... "Kala ko ba hindi tinatamaan ng sakit ang alien?" Nangyare? LOL!

Anyways... I'll always be thankful.

I'll be okay.

Love,

Miss M

The Before and After

Picture from left to right. First picture was taken when I was in my fourth year in college 2013. The second was taken this month of January 2014. 3rd picture was taken when I was in my fourth year in college wandering and visiting the Pinsal Falls in Sta. Maria Ilocos Sur. And the 4th picture was me again,taken last August 2013.

I kinda look so weird. Hahaha

Well, I'm gonna talk about my hair, as you can see in my January 2014, I have a long long hair.

I really did change a bit. But I know, I really changed a lot. I am a grown woman, I am feeding myself.
I am loving everything that is worth loving.
I am working too hard to reach my dreams.

If my most awaited opportunity will ring my door, I will surely grab it.
No matter how hard it is, no matter how huge and no matter how far it is, I will do my best to have it.

For the 9 months and 20 days of staying here in Manila, I can say that I am already a city girl. And I learned a lot of thing while working for about 9 months and 16 days and counting.

I am employed. One time shot. Regularized upon I started working. And I am enjoying the painful responsibility of sending my only brother into college. It is really hard but again, what kind of hardship that I cannot pass?

And I think, the sad part of it, I will do the fighting alone again.
But I really have this one guy who is so loving and inspiring me a lot.
So, really, I can manage my life.

:)

hindi pa ako nakakapag-ipon ng madami.palagi na lang sapat.

time will come anyway... :)